Category Archives: Uncategorized

Mother’s Day Poem

The wasp is building a nest
outside the bathroom window.She dips her sleek face
into each cell of it in turn,
each cell, so perfectly fitted
to her body, and to the next,
and the nest itself so carefully sited,
south-facing, between two panes of glass,
and so warmed and protected
from both sides. It would be ideal,
but for the fact that I would like
to open the window, and
I would not like to be stung.

For now, I watch her
as I brush my teeth.
She moves from cell to cell,
building, smoothing,
then settles at the top
for a moment, then starts
again and for the life of me,
all I can think of
is myself, all big belly
and anticipation,
folding the same six pairs
of tiny socks, over
and over again.

Untitled Baby Poem #33

She is asleep, probably,
in the car: one of the things
I swore I’d never do,
in those lovely pregnant days
when I was a perfect parent,
before each moment of quiet
grew precious as wine, or sugar,
before she outgrew the bucket seat,
and woke each time I tried to carry her inside.

I should go check on her. When she wakes,
she’ll be upset, alone and in her carseat,
though safe enough in the driveway,
cool day and her daddy’s in the barn right there,
probably too far to hear her if she cries,
but he’d notice if an unmarked van pulled up
to steal her away. Probably.

But the house is so still and silent.
It’s hard to explain the quality of stillness
that is the absence of a high-strung toddler,
the absence of the endless why, the mama now,
the questing hands, half-swallowed puzzle pieces,
half-chewed sandwiches, half-finished thoughts,
always interrupted, always cut short. “I’m sorry,”

I say every time I’m on the phone, because even
if I do finish a sentence, it was probably about how she’s
pooping on the potty, and probably you don’t care. “It’s hard
to have a conversation in this life.”

Outside, the crocuses keep coming up,
despite her determination to yank out every one.
The daffodils are numerous to the point of safety,
and their bulbs are deeper-set, besides.

And then suddenly, my milk lets down.
I think she is awake.

Dearly beloved:

Perhaps in Nigeria,
one may be so addressed
without suspicion.
Certainly none
of my other emails
begin so sweetly –
it is almost a pleasure
to receive one.

Greetings in the name
of humanity.
And greetings to you,
oh giver of unbelievable gifts!
But you must not have
done enough homework, quite.
Here in the good America,
we do not much mind

if wealth acquisition
without humility,

all is vanity. Here
we are all dying
of cancer, all our late husbands
have just passed away,
all our money has just slipped
through our fingers,
we are doing, already,
all we can.

I hate to leave you like this,
awaiting urgently my reply,
oh beloved, diligent Christian,
former government aide.
No, I shall not send you
my name, full, nor my marital status.
I would send you roses, perhaps.
I shall pray over it.

Untitled baby poem #32

It seems that something must be lost
each day: forgotten, misplaced,
or dropped and splashed or shattered
on the dingy linoleum floor
that has not seen a mop in -
well, you see, she’s a toddler now.
Still not sleeping, so neither am I,
so the only question is, what will it be?
Which detail omitted, which instruction
followed halfway before veering off
into some dark wood of confusion,
which sliver of glass will evade the broom
to lodge, sparkling, in my heel?

Intimacy

I was really struck by this article’s suggestion of intimacy as the reason Americans have such a hard time with breastfeeding, and especially breastfeeding in public. I don’t know if or how other cultures are different; I’ve only been part of this one, but I know that in this one, intimacy is synonymous with sex. I know that I was shocked to learn the difference, to discover that many of the joys of physical contact that I had always associated with sexuality were, in fact, just physical joy.

I do remember, after some months of celibacy and relative bodily isolation at Tassajara, realizing how much I craved touch, just touch. It took a while to distinguish that from heartbreak and loneliness. But how blissful the rare hour when a masseuse would offer her services to the students. And how much time spent in the hot springs trying to recreate the warmth of a hug.

So: Joy in the feeling of skin on skin, the scent of breath and sweat, nuzzling the little soft place at the base of her neck, staring adoringly into each others’ eyes – yes, it is intimate. And breasts we think of sexually, of course, so that compounds the problem. But I think the real problem is that we don’t touch each other enough, we don’t know how to be intimate without being sexual. And so we don’t know how to observe it without being offended.

(See also.)

What You Still Know by Heart

Pieces of poems – quaff, oh quaff
this sweet nepenthe. Lines of script
from when you used to stand on stage.
What here shall miss -

The phone number
of your best friend from grade school,
and the name of the street
you lived on before you moved.

Wildflowers that bloom in winter,
freckles on the cheek of your first love.
The sound of the whole sangha
falling to its knees.

How to whistle for a cat long dead.
How your mother likes her coffee,
how your grandmother took her gin.
The boddhisatva vow – my ancient, twisted karma,

our toil shall strive to mend.

The Atheist’s Art of Prayer, II

You wake from a dream of wildfire
to find it is your child ablaze with fever.
Her head rolls and she does not flinch
when you turn on the light.

She falls, twisting,
from the playground stair,
and screams and screams and
won’t be soothed.

Or even this: The radio
tells you that madness lives
in the hearts of men, that innocence
is no protection against it.

You don’t believe in God, any more
than you ever did. It is unwilling
as a ransom, but you cannot help
but mean now it when you say, Please.

(The Atheist’s Art of Prayer, I)

30

I’m turning 30 this year, and the birthdays that end in 0 are always good for making one take greater note of them than one might otherwise. This one feels milestoney and appropriate: I’m a mother, a wife, a homeowner, a business partner – I’m ready to be done with my 20s, which I associate mainly with moving (over a dozen times since I graduated high school and left my parents’ house) and desperate love affairs (though this will be our five-year wedding anniversary, so I guess that one really bleeds back into my teens).

What I’m thinking about now is the next third of my life. What have I learned about myself and the world in 30 years that will help me be happier, more effective, less afraid? What have I learned about love that will help me love more, more openly, more often? What do I know about my own strengths and weaknesses, and how can I accept and use that knowledge?

Because, let’s face it: This thing where sometimes I forget to do what I’ve said I’m going to do? I’ve been doing that for 30 years now. So it would probably be more useful to work on strategies for managing that tendency than stockpiling shame and defensiveness about each and every “single isolated mistake.” Ditto to getting depressed in the winter, getting grouchy when dinner is late, and feeling overwhelmed when I haven’t balanced the checkbook in too long and the pile of receipts is too big and we’re broke anyway so I might as well put it off until next week but I won’t ask for help because it’s supposed to be my job. Pointless.

And yes, there’s the mortality thing. Our friends have slipped disks and hernias and cancer - I know half a dozen people under 40 who have cancer, some of them younger than me. I want to see the next 30 years and then the 30 after that, and not from a hospital bed. I want to play with Sonora’s grandchildren. What can I do now to help that happen?

I don’t think I did this, ten years ago. I suppose I was still invincible and immortal then and didn’t need to.

untitled baby poem #31

Watch this watch this watch me
mama watch me. On the edge
of the bottom stair, bouncing,

winding up for the mama
watch me jump! And she does,
and she lands it, and she’s awesome.

Untitled baby poem #30

First snow on the ground,
bruised November dawn.

The embers in the woodstove
will last a while more. We rock

in the green chair in the darkness,
her hand tucked under my arm

as she nurses, slipping in and out of sleep.

I’m not sleeping, somehow not tired,
even at dawn after a night punctured

by little elbows and petulant cries
for wa-wa, for mama, for milk.

She smells like sunshine. She’s
bright as joy.